but it's not that easy! except that it is, it really is that easy

 In my previous post about meaning I wrote:

Maybe it is our doom as a humankind, this indomitable urge to keep looking for meaning everywhere. Instead of that, we should simply read Tarkovsky's words one hundred, one thousand, one million times and focus on experiencing things. Because even though things can be as deep as we want them to be, we need to realize that our lust for meaning is not everything that there is.

 And today I come with another post about the excess and the over-complication we brought upon ourselves.

the power of a narrative (the crucible)

For the first time since I graduated from high school, I was assigned a set book to read. Most of all it made me nostalgic for my literature classes, listening to my teacher (probably one of the cleverest man I've ever met), riding in the bus completely exhausted but still reading them books on my Kindle, playing the Cure on my headphones. Yeah, what a time. However, it's just like Sufjan Stevens is singing: The past is still the past./The bridge to nowhere. So let's move onto the Crucible, shall we?

do we actually need meaning?

As the second year of my university course proceeds, new subjects come along. One of them is “Interpretation of the literary works.” On the very top of our reading list, what I found quite puckish was Susan Sontag's “Against Interpretation.” What a way to start this class, right? But I like that, and I liked the essay too. A few days after finishing it, a quote from one of Andrei Tarkovsky's interviews came across my Tumblr feed:

And to be all fair, it pretty much summarises the entire essay.

“How to Respond to Criticism” by Danny M. Lavery for The Toast

 Run into a cave and break your ankle so that people have to come find you and they see you lying at the bottom of this beautiful cave and maybe there’s a waterfall and the light from the crystals makes you look really beautiful and they say “Are you okay?” and you say “I think so” and they say “oh my God have you been here alone this whole time with a broken ankle” and you say “it’s okay” and they say “you’re so brave” and you are brave and you look so beautiful surrounded by cave crystals and everyone stands over you and says “oh wow” and “you poor beautiful thing” and “I’m so sorry we let you run into the cave but I’m so glad we found you” and let them carry you home and promise to be your best friends forever and that everything’s their fault and also they named the cave after you and you’re prettier than all of your enemies and your enemies all died of jealousy while you were in the cave.

https://the-toast.net/2014/06/12/respond-criticism/#4tckqs4Z1hykkHR8.99

declarations of healthy adult, david richo

I accept full responsibility for the shape my life has taken.

I need never fear my own truth, powers, fantasies, wishes, thoughts, sexuality, dreams, or ghosts.

I trust that “darkness and upheaval always precede an expansion of consciousness” (Jung).

I let people go away or stay and am still okay.

I accept that I may never feel I am receiving—or have received—all the attention I seek.

I acknowledge that reality is not obligated to me; it remains unaffected by my wishes or rights.

One by one, I drop every expectation of people and things.

I reconcile myself to the limits on others’ giving to me and on my giving to them.

Until I see another’s behavior with compassion, I have not understood it.

I let go of blame, regret, vengeance, and the infantile desire to punish those who hurt or reject me.

When change and growth scare me, I still choose them. I may act with fear, but never because of it.

I am still safe when I cease following the rules my parents (or others) set for me.

I cherish my own integrity and do not use it as a yardstick for anyone else’s behavior.

I am free to have and entertain any thought. I do not have the right to do whatever I want. I respect the limits of freedom and still act freely.

I overcome the urge to retreat on the brink of discovery.

No one can or needs to bail me out. I am not entitled to be taken care of by anyone or anything.

I give without demanding appreciation though I may always ask for it.

I reject whining and complaining as useless distractions from direct action on or withdrawal from unacceptable situations.

I let go of control without losing control.

Choices and perceptions in my life are flexible, not rigid or absolute.

If people knew me as I really am, they would love me for being human like them.

I drop poses and let my every word and deed reveal what I am really like.

Changes and transitions are more graceful as I cooperate with them.

Every human power is accessible to me.

I live by personal standards and at the same time—in self-forgiveness—I make allowances for my occasional lapses.

I grant myself a margin of error in my work and relationships. I release myself from the pain of having to be right or competent all the time.

I accept that it is normal to feel that I do not always measure up.

I am ultimately adequate to any challenge that comes to me.

My self-acceptance is not complacency since in itself it represents an enormous change.

I am happy as I do what I love and love what is.

Wholehearted engagement with my circumstances releases my irrepressible liveliness.

I love unconditionally and set sane conditions on my self-giving.

spring, spring, SPRING

spring is a perfect season for having problems. the surroundings make you realise over and over again how small your troubles are, how meaningless. you made absolutely terrible decision over a year ago because you didn't know any better, and only know realised the consequences of what you've done? you cannot find a balance in everyday life, combine all your responsibilities, and still have time for yourself? your car is signaling you it's tired too, and would like to finally get some peace? you feel lonely, lost, confused, frustrated? yeah no i gotchu: look outside. step outside, and give your sad face few rays of sunshine. let your troubled mind hear the birds cheerfully chatting with each other. inhale this crispy air, so your lungs can refresh too. 

soko sings people always look better in the sun, and she's absolutely right. there is no better friend you could possibly have than sun and yourself.

spring is perfect. it's such a powerful symbol. the winter is over, no more death and dread. you cannot escape from the power of life, and rebirth, and light. you may still hate everything, but the universe reaches out to you with its loving arms once again. and man, believe me when i say what goes around comes around. world is not ending. it's barely starting. you have to trust it all.

dear diary

 it's the second day of march and i can sense a headache creeping upon me. recently i've rediscovered trilogy by the weeknd; it seems like another year spent with this guy. mentally i'm torn, unready for another term starting in three days now. with february almost entirely free for myself, it really made me lose that sweet, organised rhythm of getting things done. 

february was a deep breath after five months' long run. during those five months i started my first term at uni, put myself in socially uncomfortable situations several times, realised that in fact i can be organised and solid (work wise), passed endless tests (both minor, and major ones), started working part-time, almost moved out of house, made my face recognisable around the department, dreamed about belgrade million times, dreamed about my ex hundreds times, visited my grandma god-knows-how many times, drove ten thousand kilometres back and forth. the hardest part was (and still is) trying to find myself in new roles, trying to figure out where do i fall in this adult world.