thankfully, i've undergone many mental transformations since my first contact with western thought of existentialism. it's terrifying to be 15, wake up one day, and realise so many things at once. to find out how enormous the universe is, how small you are, how it is all so random/unfair/inexplicable/insert any other adjective. but it gets better, it really does.
when i was in high school, i was a very active student in my ethics class. of course, as any other high-schooler, i also had existential crisis (if not crises) going on 4 business days non-stop on average. it was after finishing neon genesis evangelion (duh!) that i came up with the idea of non-physical existence. this thought of leaving my own body per se, and somehow existing somewhere as something purely abstract, was very important for me back then, so naturally i shared my concerns with my teacher (who was amazed to have someone actually listening to her on those monday mornings, and even say something of their own). i was very sceptical to her response for a long time, and basically thought she knew shit. it took me some time to realise she was right.
bro, what are you even talking about?
my teacher told me that beyond what's physical, the essence of the universe, is love.
imagine that, you are 15, you feel miserable 24/7, you think you are the only one carrying this burden of human existence, you hate everything because you are so desperate for love, you have to wake up at 5.45am for school -- all these horrors beyond human comprehension, and this silly ass woman responds with “love, love is beyond that everything” to your so far darkest, edgiest paper ever written? i don't blame myself for reacting with speechless disbelief to her email. we can't expect 15-year-olds to know any better.
few years passed, my situation changed, and i became to experience echoes of her theory in my head. during my last year of high school i wrote a poem for her as a gift, but never really gave it to her, as my contact with her loosened, and it stopped being so significant to me. the poem was cyberpunk ish, based on william gibson's aesthetic, but the main concept was my teacher's theory of love as the primary rule of the universe. despite me writing it, i still wasn't convinced. it took some more months to pass, and events to happen, to make me come round to her view.
we are like iron
i believe in self creation, but i hate with my whole heart how it is interpreted nowadays. i'm a stoic, not capitalism fanboy -- i praise challenging your own weaknesses, trying to improve one's character, not making major bag online, promoting pathologies like overconsumption, faking your everydayness to impress some random people. this shouldn't be about being above others, but about being yourself.
during commencement speech at the university of houston in may 2017 arnold schwarzenegger said:
Now, the diplomas — there will only be one name and this is yours, but I hope it doesn’t confuse you and you think that maybe you made it that far by yourself. No, you didn’t. It took a lot of help. None of us can make it alone. None of us. Not even the guy that is talking to you right now, that was the greatest bodybuilder of all time. I didn’t make it that far on my own. I mean, to accept that credit or that medal, would discount every single person that has helped me get here today, that gave me advice, that made an effort, that lifted me up when I fell. The whole concept of the self‑made man or woman is a myth.
that actually initiated my own internal discussion about this topic. i know way too well the obsession people can form when they start believing that all they did was thanks to themselves, thanks to their determination, and strength. that they did it despite nobody being there for them. this is never true, but you have to be equipped with gratefulness to notice it.
so how can i both believe in self creation, and agree with schwarzenegger? i wrote in the title of this part that we are like iron. we are because we are shaped when dealt with gigantic amount of warmth, it is not the cold that shapes the iron. this cold only checks how solid you already are, and there is no shame in breaking, and needing to be reshaped again. so after considering this,
why do you think you can hate yourself into changing something?
this is the actual point i want to make. we need to quit hard love, we need to quit hate, we need to quit shame. only when compassion and empathy are involved, humans can change towards something better, healthier, something lasting. and to create such atmosphere you need community. you need your family member, your friend, your mate, your person who doesn't firmly push but rather gently pull. you can't force anything, it will always backfire. when an open mind, a mind that is (sub)consciously ready to change, evolve, meets with a hospitable, welcoming, friendly environment, remarkable things take place.
but i'm a lone wolf
no, you are not. you live in 2024, and society let big corporations trick us a long time ago into some dystopia. we are disconnected from each other, because everybody thinks they are alone in their struggles. they are not. we all struggle, we all love, we all care, we all need to realise it. start questioning the mantras you read on the internet, and maybe log out. go visit your relatives, your friends, make some new ones. simply go out and sit in the park. look around. look around.
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